Today, Ramil and I celebrate four years of being husband and wife. Dare I say four years of wedded bliss? Most of the time, yes. Because honestly speaking, our four years as a wedded couple has been more peaceful and relaxed than our five years together before getting married. We almost never fight. We have more time together – intimate and otherwise. We are content, happy, and satisfied.

This does not mean that we are the sweetest couple in the neighborhood. In fact, I don’t often find ourselves in that lovey-dovey sweet moment we used to have when we were just boyfriend-girlfriend. We now rarely surprise each other with fancy gifts.

Today, when we woke up in the morning, we smiled at each other, said ‘Happy Anniversary’, and then exchanged a kiss. The whole day passed without anything out of the ordinary. In other words, it was just like our usual day. If this happened five years ago or even just three years ago, I would have been in a bad mood the whole day. However, today I felt content and secure. I realized that as our marriage grows in years, it needs the fancy stuff lesser and lesser.

Something as simple as waking up earlier than me in the morning to clean the house and cook breakfast surely beats dinner at any fancy restaurant. Never failing to kiss me lovingly, hug me tightly, or look at me adoringly, also beats getting expensive jewelry.

We still love holding hands, sometimes even if one of us has to carry our son as well but I’m happy that just four years after saying our ‘I dos’ we’ve moved beyond defining our relationship with special dates and expensive gifts. They’re still nice to have of course, but they’ve ceased to be something that our relationship needs. Now I realize that romance has so much deeper meaning between married couples.

]]> http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/12/romance-in-marriage/feed/ 0 http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/03/when-are-early-relationships-too-early/ http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/03/when-are-early-relationships-too-early/#comments Tue, 24 Mar 2009 04:49:10 +0000 andrea http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/03/24/when-are-early-relationships-too-early/

MU (mutual understanding). Dating. Special Friends.

These are just some of the many terms that young people nowadays use to define their relationships. It’s no secret that kids are now going into relationships earlier than kids were ten years ago. What’s worse is that it’s not unusual anymore to hear of some girls getting pregnant at 14 or 15. Some kids now start having crushes as early as 6 while kissing for some could start as early as 9. Most of them think it’s okay while most of us in an older (and wiser!) generation can’t help but wonder what these kids are getting themselves into.

Is it too early?

The common question kids ask whenever this topic comes up is when is it too early? Or when is it okay? At what age can I have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Let me relate my own experience, I had my first relationship when I was 15. Back then, I knew only a handful of people who were also in relationships. However, looking back now, I still think I got into it prematurely. I made a lot of bad decisions because I was too young to use proper judgement and discernment.

I’m not saying 15 or older is ideal but if the relationship or being in a relationship lets you make bad choices then you shouldn’t be in one in the first place. It’s something that applies even to adults but with adolescents, raging hormones, lack of experience and wisdom, definitely makes things more difficult.

There are also some who had their first relationship at a young age and even ended up marrying that person. It’s different for each person and it’s different for each child. If the child is not even mature enough to behave appropriately in certain situations then getting into a relationship would just give the child more opportunities to act and behave inappropriately.

I feel thankful that Mateo is still very far from adolescence but with the way a lot of kids are nowaday, I could only hope that he’ll be so much wiser when that time comes.

Even before I got married, I knew I wanted children. I went as far as deciding that if I am unmarried by the age of thirty-five, I’d look for an attractive, intelligent man and get myself pregnant. When I became a mom however, there were times when I would feel so down especially during the post-partum baby blues stage that I would wonder why I ever wanted to have one. From being a carefree, independent couple, Ramil and I got stuck at home with a small creature who dictates our meal times, bath times, monthly budget, and the amount of sleep that we get. No wonder there are some men or women whose choice is not to have a child.

If there’s some kind of societal expectations when it comes to marriage and the age one is supposed to get married, then there’s so much more when it comes to having children. Most of my unmarried friends would express their longing to settle down because they know that their biological clocks are ticking. A few of them, however, are now enjoying their careers and financial independence so much that they’d get irritated with questions of ‘when are you getting married?’ or ‘when are you having kids?’

More and more couples are choosing not to have kids. A lot of their reasons are not so surprising. A friend once asked whether it’s such a bad thing to want to focus on herself and her future husband for most of her life. Below are just some of the sentiments of those who choose to go childless:

• Pregnancy. Morning sickness, darker skin in some parts of the body, big nose, falling hair, swollen feet, no coffee, no alcohol, huge tummy. It’s no wonder some women don’t want to get pregnant, ever.
• Birth and delivery. After nine months of carrying your baby inside you, you’d think that nothing should be more difficult. Wrong, because the whole nine months culminates into hours of painful labor.
• Budget. The expenses of having children are no joke. Hospital bills, monthly check-ups, milk, medicines, diapers, toys, education. The list goes on and on until the child finds his own job.
• Free time. Well, the lack thereof.
• Sleep. Again, the lack of it.
• From husband and wife to parents. Having a child has a huge effect on a married couple. Priorities will change big time and it takes a lot of work to remember that you were a couple first before you were parents.
• Diaper changes, inconsolable crying, terrible two’s, separation anxiety, rebellious teenage years, etc.

I’m pretty sure those who have made conscious decisions not to be parents have more than the above as their reasons. But it makes one wonder why being parents is still the more popular choice.

• Babies. They’re cute, cuddly, and could take away one’s exhaustion with the littlest smiles.
• Procreation. Some people just love the idea of their own mini-me’s.
• Old age. Unfortunately, some people decide to have children because they’re afraid of being alone when they get old.
• Convention. Sadly, some people have children simply because it’s the conventional thing to do.
• Love. Cheesy as it may sound, some people are meant to be parents.

Gone are the days when deciding not to have children is unheard of. Nowadays, people have a choice. To each his own.

A female friend of mine recently started a friendship with a male co-worker. The friendship is of the new generations’, they’re constant texters even though their work allows them little interaction with each other. After several exchange of text messages, he asked her out and she agreed. On that date, he expressed his liking for her and told her that he has a crush on her. The single date turned into two when he asked her out to have coffee and even brought her home afterwards. After a few days, she told him (through a text message) that maybe they should stop sending text messages to each other, and to definitely stop going out with each other. She realized that they are actually threading the delicate lines of cheating. Even though she considers the guy as just a friend, he still has a girlfriend.

This, and many other similar stories, is an example of how blurry cheating is. According to Wikipedia ,

Infidelity can be defined as any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, and is a breach of faith in an inter-personal relationship.

Using this definition, can one say that if a boyfriend of an extremely jealous girlfriend talks or even just looks at a pretty girl then he is cheating on his girlfriend? Is the knowledge of your partner’s displeasure of a certain act falls under ‘mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship’? But relationships don’t start out with clear boundaries anyway. You don’t enter a relationship and say ‘Here is a list of our do’s and dont’s’. What then would be considered cheating? I’m sure to most people it doesn’t have to go as far as sex for cheating to be considered cheating. Even to those in an open relationship , infidelity is a possibility.

In this day and age of text messages, instant messengers, and online social networking sites, the lines of infidelity are more blurred than ever. Is a and a considered acts of cheating? If your boyfriend has a ’special online friendship’ with someone he has never met, is he being unfaithful?

I had a boyfriend before who agreed to stop smoking. I didn’t exactly ask him but he knew that I didn’t like it so he told me he’ll stop smoking. Several months after his vocal resolve to stop smoking, I detected the unmistakable smell of nicotine on his fingers and his breath smelled suspiciously of toothpaste. I am a naturally instinctive person and I immediately knew that he smoked and that he was trying to hide it from me. I didn’t even dare confront him about it, afraid that he would even deny it upfront. Needless to say, I felt betrayed. Was he being unfaithful? I would definitely consider it a ‘violation of mutually agreed-upon rules of a relationship’. Most especially since he was the one who imposed it.

How about those who simply think about committing an act of infidelity? Or those who cheat but don’t get caught? Are you considered a cheater even if you’ve never been caught? There are also the technicality of ‘in-betweens’, ‘on a cool-off’, or ‘on a break’. The possibilities seem to be endless and just like the law, people use the intricacies of it to get away with it.

When my friend talked to me about her situation, I told her that it would be safe to use herself as compass. I told her to put herself in the girlfriend’s shoes. Would it be okay with her if the guy is her boyfriend? She thought long and hard. That’s when she realized that they’re being a bit unfair to the unknowing girlfriend.

As for me, I’m only happy that my own personal experience with infidelity is limited to cigarettes. Or at least, that’s what I know.