Yesterday, mateo climbed up the stairs of the Preschool building on his own, and not without the dramatics to emphasize the cruel separation. You see, if I remember correctly what andrea told me, mateo insisted on going up without accompaniment. In fact, he waited halfway of the steps up to see andrea off, before proceeding to his class – perhaps making sure that he wasn’t being followed. I know it seems too small an issue to dwell on, but mateo has never gone up to his class quietly before yesterday. Sometimes he would even insist that both of us go with him. And of all the skills that he has been evaluated in, that going up to class on his own is the only skill that has not been observed yet. What a way to prove everybody wrong. I guess it’s his own way of saying he’s ready… to grow up… and eventually to leave.

So first the first time after a long time, I carried him after class. When he requested for a karga, I didn’t hesitate to give him what he wanted. After all, it’s only a few more years till I won’t be able to carry him anymore, or till he refuses to be carried.

Last week, we went to her gynecologist to hear our third baby’s heartbeat through the doppler, something we failed to accomplish last time. I was really hesitant at first because it was during this time when our second baby’s heart stopped beating. But I realized that then, more than ever, andrea and I needed it each other to get through the whole ordeal (this doppler scan). Because, if the same unfortunate thing happens again, we would only have each other to lean for support.

Anyway, it was the longest clinic time we’ve ever had. Our gynecologist was due to go out of the country for almost a month so all her patients wanted to see her for a last checkup before she went. We arrived at the clinic a few minutes after six in the evening and waited until 11:30 for our turn. Yes, she had lots of patients and she was determined to finish seeing us all.

When it was andrea’s turn to lie on the table and have her tummy scanned with the doppler, I kept on praying. The 5 hour wait for her turn seemed nothing compared to the anticipation I felt during the next few minutes. I distinctly remembered feeling hopeful and happy when we had the same scan a few months back until the doctor told us that she couldn’t her the heartbeat. So I couldn’t wouldn’t allow myself to be hopeful now.

The moments seemed to pass and I tried to drown every sound in the room so that I could hear that familiar beat from the doppler – the train-like cadence I heard when mateo was still in her mommy’s tummy, the same beat I wanted to hear but never did with our second. A few more minutes went by until I finally heard a sound from the doppler. It was short at first. I thought I was only imagining it because I wanted so much to hear it. But the doctor seemed to mysteriously know where to bring the doppler to next because everytime I heard a faint beat, she would swing the device again. Until finally, the doppler stopped moving. Andrea and I could finally hear that train-like cadence. She (I’m hoping it’s a she) is alive and doing pretty well. The doctor told us that the baby was quite energetic and moving around a lot that’s why she had a hard time finding her. Everytime the  doctor heard a beat, the baby would move. I wasn’t imagining the sound after all. She heard it too.

I was so happy I wanted to cry. I almost did the moment we went out of the clinic. I just hugged andrea instead.

After that, we couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t stop hearing the cadence in my head. Apparently she couldn’t too, that’s why she bought a doppler a few days after. We are currently waiting for the thing to arrive after ordering it on ebay. Hahaha!

So imagine our excitement when we realized that God is agreeing to the love affair. I was pampered and allowed to eat anything I want. We were expecting a commitment that will last for the rest of our lives. Imagine the pain and shock when we realized that it was ended abruptly, with no warning at all.

Yes, Ramil and I experienced one of the most painful things in our lives. We just lost our baby. She was merely 54 mm when her heart stopped beating but we know she was perfect. She had two handsome boys who would lovingly kiss her and caress her through my tummy every morning, night, and every other chance they get. She loved arroz caldo, goto, lugaw, and hot noodles. She wanted tasty bread that’s soft and white, longanisa that’s cut along the middle before it’s cooked. She gave me a hard time during those months but never was there a tinge of resentment for the difficulties she was bringing. We looked forward to feeling her move and to showing Mateo the crazy movements we were sure she was going to make. I looked forward to breastfeeding again, nuzzling her close to me, and smelling that delicious scent all babies have. We looked forward to many, many things.

My heart skipped when I saw her heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor when she was just 9 weeks. She was tiny but even the sonologist was very appreciative of her active and vigorous heart activity. So when we went for the routine checkup on her 12th week and the doctor couldn’t hear any heartbeat after more than 15 minutes of alternately using different dopplers, we blamed it on the noise Mateo was making, on the age of the doppler, the batteries, the hearing of our doctor, the post-Mateo fat around my tummy, and anything else we could think of. However, the worst possibility was lingering at the back of our minds. Ramil even jokingly said he’d smack her when she comes out for making us worry this much at this very early stage.

Naturally, our doctor requested an ultrasound and we hurriedly went for it the next day. When we got to the clinic, we had to try twice and despite not seeing any heartbeat the first time, we still held onto hope for the second try. The sonologist and the technician avoided looking directly at me, knowing what they already know. The sonologist just gave a ‘no heartbeat’ comment then left the ultrasound room. The technician tried to lighten it up by saying ‘relax lang, ma’am’. I hurriedly went out, refusing to answer Ramil’s questions, and walked straight towards the exit. When we got out and the glare of the sun hit me in the face, the dam broke.

I am currently three months pregnant. I don’t know if I’d still call myself pregnant because she’s still inside me. I didn’t experience any spotting, bleeding, cramping, or any other miscarriage symptom. Because of this, she’ll stay with us for a few more days or weeks, until I finally get those symptoms. Call it a funeral of some sort because it may be a short three months but she was our baby, she was Mateo’s baby sister, and we love her just the same.

Getting those two pink lines the second time around is definitely not the same as the first. This time, Ramil and I are mentally prepared for it because it was planned. Also, there’s a two-year-old jumping up and down with us although he doesn’t fully realize what the fuss was with the stick I was holding. Knowing what we know now, Ramil and I are less scared and less unsure.

Nevertheless, the decision to have a second child did not come as easy as we’d thought it would be. Although we both knew we wanted more than one child, we didn’t know when the perfect time is to follow it up with another one.

We’ve considered several things before finally deciding to go for it. It also helps to ask other people around us, especially those who’ve had several children already.

• Spacing. This is one of the primary things that we considered. Closer ages or farther apart? We didn’t want them too close because it’s going to be difficult taking care of two very small kids. However, we also didn’t want them spaced that far apart because we figured they’d find it easier to become friends if they are closer in age. We’ve set our personal choice: a minimum of two years so that Mateo will be getting out of the terrible years by the time the second child comes and a maximum of four years so that they’d still be in high school together.
• Finances. So far, the spacing we’ve agreed upon is also agreeable to our financial situation. We wanted the next one when Mateo is not using diapers anymore so that we won’t spend twice as much.
• Ready-ness of first child. Fortunately, Mateo is not the jealous type although we have yet to test his limits once the baby comes. Before deciding to go for another child though, we’ve carefully thought about how Mateo will take it. Also, as early as now, we involve him in the expectations that we have. We always look for opportunities to talk to him about what’s going to happen in the next few months and to expose him to smaller babies as well.

There, those three are our biggest considerations in having our second child. We have a very excited household right now and saying that everyone can’t wait for the new member is an understatement.

I teach in a small, private school where the average tuition fee of each student is around five months worth of a teacher’s gross salary. It is a school where expensive cars line up the street during family days, report card days, and Christmas programs. It is a school where some students get cars as their HS graduation gifts, where family vacations for the students mean going out of the country, where some students have a PSP, a PS3, a desktop, a laptop, an iPod, and such, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

A lot of the kids nowadays are so used to getting what they want and most of the time they also decide how and when they want it. Some don’t do chores anymore because they have yayas and helpers. Some don’t study at home anymore because they are always online – chatting, browsing Facebook / Friendster, or playing online games, practically anything and (God forbid!) everything they can do online except school work (which is always their excuse for going online in the first place).

It’s not surprising that some of these kids end up failing in school when they don’t even bother submitting requirements. You’d think one or two failing marks should be enough to tell them to shape up and to get serious with their education. However, some of these kids put the blame on the school, on the teachers, on their classmates, on the subject, on the exam. They put the blame on anything and anyone but themselves. It makes you wonder where they get the attitude but when their own parents would come to school demanding to know why their child did not pass, why their child will not graduate, why their child did not get an award, you realize that the apple does not fall too far from the tree.

I often frustrate myself trying to understand how some children grow up like this – how they somehow come to the conclusion that they can always have their way; that they should always have it easy; that rules either can be bent or don’t apply to them; or that they can get things that they did not earn and do not deserve. I frustrate myself because I encounter kids like these and I hear about kids with attitudes worse than these. It makes me wonder whether they took a wrong turn somewhere or they were put on the wrong path from the start.

Ramil and I now find ourselves on the treacherous path of parents as well. Mateo now has his own mind and I realize that it is so much easier to raise a spoiled brat. It’s always easier to say yes to what he wants. It’s easier not to correct his ways, not to go out of my way to show him how to be patient and mindful, not to tell him right from wrong. It’s easier to buy things that he wants and to let him do what he wants than to endure his tantrums. I realize that it’s easy to raise kids whom I have just described above.

I am making a conscious decision now not to choose the easy way – to always take the time not just to correct but also to explain even if it means delaying the laundry; to be there to guide even if it means postponing my own enjoyment; to be a better person so that I can be a better example. Most of all, I’m trying my best to remember that I am not always right even when it comes to my child.

First, when it comes to school, will bringing him this early affect his view of school? What concept of school would we build in Mateo if he sees so much of it even before he’s old enough to attend classes? Will this effectively take away the anticipation for the first day of school?

Second, since Mateo spends as much time with our co-teachers as we do, then there’s a huge possibility that he might just grow up treating them like regular aunties and uncles. How then will this affect his view of his teachers?

Third, because andrea and I are both teaching, we have no idea how Mateo will take to a household of educators. Is this going to make him like schooling more or would it push him to detest it? Also, on our part, when do we start being teachers to him instead of parents and when do we become parents instead of teachers? Will he be able to recognize the difference?

It seems like the more he grows, the more complicated parenting gets. And the fact that we’re teaching and children spend most of their waking time in school does not make things any easier.

Even before I got married, I knew I wanted children. I went as far as deciding that if I am unmarried by the age of thirty-five, I’d look for an attractive, intelligent man and get myself pregnant. When I became a mom however, there were times when I would feel so down especially during the post-partum baby blues stage that I would wonder why I ever wanted to have one. From being a carefree, independent couple, Ramil and I got stuck at home with a small creature who dictates our meal times, bath times, monthly budget, and the amount of sleep that we get. No wonder there are some men or women whose choice is not to have a child.

If there’s some kind of societal expectations when it comes to marriage and the age one is supposed to get married, then there’s so much more when it comes to having children. Most of my unmarried friends would express their longing to settle down because they know that their biological clocks are ticking. A few of them, however, are now enjoying their careers and financial independence so much that they’d get irritated with questions of ‘when are you getting married?’ or ‘when are you having kids?’

More and more couples are choosing not to have kids. A lot of their reasons are not so surprising. A friend once asked whether it’s such a bad thing to want to focus on herself and her future husband for most of her life. Below are just some of the sentiments of those who choose to go childless:

• Pregnancy. Morning sickness, darker skin in some parts of the body, big nose, falling hair, swollen feet, no coffee, no alcohol, huge tummy. It’s no wonder some women don’t want to get pregnant, ever.
• Birth and delivery. After nine months of carrying your baby inside you, you’d think that nothing should be more difficult. Wrong, because the whole nine months culminates into hours of painful labor.
• Budget. The expenses of having children are no joke. Hospital bills, monthly check-ups, milk, medicines, diapers, toys, education. The list goes on and on until the child finds his own job.
• Free time. Well, the lack thereof.
• Sleep. Again, the lack of it.
• From husband and wife to parents. Having a child has a huge effect on a married couple. Priorities will change big time and it takes a lot of work to remember that you were a couple first before you were parents.
• Diaper changes, inconsolable crying, terrible two’s, separation anxiety, rebellious teenage years, etc.

I’m pretty sure those who have made conscious decisions not to be parents have more than the above as their reasons. But it makes one wonder why being parents is still the more popular choice.

• Babies. They’re cute, cuddly, and could take away one’s exhaustion with the littlest smiles.
• Procreation. Some people just love the idea of their own mini-me’s.
• Old age. Unfortunately, some people decide to have children because they’re afraid of being alone when they get old.
• Convention. Sadly, some people have children simply because it’s the conventional thing to do.
• Love. Cheesy as it may sound, some people are meant to be parents.

Gone are the days when deciding not to have children is unheard of. Nowadays, people have a choice. To each his own.