Last week, we went to her gynecologist to hear our third baby’s heartbeat through the doppler, something we failed to accomplish last time. I was really hesitant at first because it was during this time when our second baby’s heart stopped beating. But I realized that then, more than ever, andrea and I needed it each other to get through the whole ordeal (this doppler scan). Because, if the same unfortunate thing happens again, we would only have each other to lean for support.

Anyway, it was the longest clinic time we’ve ever had. Our gynecologist was due to go out of the country for almost a month so all her patients wanted to see her for a last checkup before she went. We arrived at the clinic a few minutes after six in the evening and waited until 11:30 for our turn. Yes, she had lots of patients and she was determined to finish seeing us all.

When it was andrea’s turn to lie on the table and have her tummy scanned with the doppler, I kept on praying. The 5 hour wait for her turn seemed nothing compared to the anticipation I felt during the next few minutes. I distinctly remembered feeling hopeful and happy when we had the same scan a few months back until the doctor told us that she couldn’t her the heartbeat. So I couldn’t wouldn’t allow myself to be hopeful now.

The moments seemed to pass and I tried to drown every sound in the room so that I could hear that familiar beat from the doppler – the train-like cadence I heard when mateo was still in her mommy’s tummy, the same beat I wanted to hear but never did with our second. A few more minutes went by until I finally heard a sound from the doppler. It was short at first. I thought I was only imagining it because I wanted so much to hear it. But the doctor seemed to mysteriously know where to bring the doppler to next because everytime I heard a faint beat, she would swing the device again. Until finally, the doppler stopped moving. Andrea and I could finally hear that train-like cadence. She (I’m hoping it’s a she) is alive and doing pretty well. The doctor told us that the baby was quite energetic and moving around a lot that’s why she had a hard time finding her. Everytime the  doctor heard a beat, the baby would move. I wasn’t imagining the sound after all. She heard it too.

I was so happy I wanted to cry. I almost did the moment we went out of the clinic. I just hugged andrea instead.

After that, we couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t stop hearing the cadence in my head. Apparently she couldn’t too, that’s why she bought a doppler a few days after. We are currently waiting for the thing to arrive after ordering it on ebay. Hahaha!

So imagine our excitement when we realized that God is agreeing to the love affair. I was pampered and allowed to eat anything I want. We were expecting a commitment that will last for the rest of our lives. Imagine the pain and shock when we realized that it was ended abruptly, with no warning at all.

Yes, Ramil and I experienced one of the most painful things in our lives. We just lost our baby. She was merely 54 mm when her heart stopped beating but we know she was perfect. She had two handsome boys who would lovingly kiss her and caress her through my tummy every morning, night, and every other chance they get. She loved arroz caldo, goto, lugaw, and hot noodles. She wanted tasty bread that’s soft and white, longanisa that’s cut along the middle before it’s cooked. She gave me a hard time during those months but never was there a tinge of resentment for the difficulties she was bringing. We looked forward to feeling her move and to showing Mateo the crazy movements we were sure she was going to make. I looked forward to breastfeeding again, nuzzling her close to me, and smelling that delicious scent all babies have. We looked forward to many, many things.

My heart skipped when I saw her heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor when she was just 9 weeks. She was tiny but even the sonologist was very appreciative of her active and vigorous heart activity. So when we went for the routine checkup on her 12th week and the doctor couldn’t hear any heartbeat after more than 15 minutes of alternately using different dopplers, we blamed it on the noise Mateo was making, on the age of the doppler, the batteries, the hearing of our doctor, the post-Mateo fat around my tummy, and anything else we could think of. However, the worst possibility was lingering at the back of our minds. Ramil even jokingly said he’d smack her when she comes out for making us worry this much at this very early stage.

Naturally, our doctor requested an ultrasound and we hurriedly went for it the next day. When we got to the clinic, we had to try twice and despite not seeing any heartbeat the first time, we still held onto hope for the second try. The sonologist and the technician avoided looking directly at me, knowing what they already know. The sonologist just gave a ‘no heartbeat’ comment then left the ultrasound room. The technician tried to lighten it up by saying ‘relax lang, ma’am’. I hurriedly went out, refusing to answer Ramil’s questions, and walked straight towards the exit. When we got out and the glare of the sun hit me in the face, the dam broke.

I am currently three months pregnant. I don’t know if I’d still call myself pregnant because she’s still inside me. I didn’t experience any spotting, bleeding, cramping, or any other miscarriage symptom. Because of this, she’ll stay with us for a few more days or weeks, until I finally get those symptoms. Call it a funeral of some sort because it may be a short three months but she was our baby, she was Mateo’s baby sister, and we love her just the same.