Still, it does not mean that you should avoid criticizing your partner. Sometimes criticisms that are given and taken constructively could actually improve your relationship. Below are some tips on how to handle criticisms in your marriage.

• Ask before you criticize. Let your partner know that you want to express something that will come as a criticism. This way, your spouse can choose not to hear it.
• Criticize with love. Never give criticisms as a way of attacking your partner. Say them in a way that will still acknowledge his good traits and characteristics. Make sure you give two or more compliments for every criticism that you give. If you are talking as if you are scolding your child then it is time to take a step back and change how you are communicating with your spouse. Talk in a loving way and never with anger.
• Criticize behavior and never character. Focus on specific things that your partner did that you think should be addressed. Instead of saying ‘You are rude’ say ‘I know you were tired but I did not like the way that you talked to me earlier’.
• Be specific. Cite specific examples and discuss how your spouse could have handled it.
• Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’. You will notice a big change in the tone of your conversations if you start your statements with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’. Starting everything with ‘you’ comes off as attacks or accusations.
• Skip the criticism. Before giving any criticism, ask yourself whether it will be of any use to you, your partner, and your relationship if you voice out your criticisms.

Many married men and women have their own mother-in-law stories to tell. Some even believe that no one really gets along with their mother-in-laws even if she is a perfectly nice person.

Still, Ramil and I are lucky that we both have in-laws that we get along with relatively well. However, some are not as lucky as the two of us. I know some people have really tumultuous relationships with their in-laws. If you are one of those people, below are some tips that could help you.

• Spend time with them. Try to spend more time with your in-laws instead of avoiding them. During your these times, consciously look for things to like about them instead of focusing on their things that you do not like.
• Calm yourself. Avoid working up yourself if you know you will be seeing your in-laws. Some people make the mistake of getting all worked up even before they get together with their in-laws.
• Agree to disagree. Even if you married their son or daughter, it does not mean that your views and principles will match. Keep in mind that you do not have to be right all the time and you need not share the same views and principles. You only have to respect them.

Today, Ramil and I celebrate four years of being husband and wife. Dare I say four years of wedded bliss? Most of the time, yes. Because honestly speaking, our four years as a wedded couple has been more peaceful and relaxed than our five years together before getting married. We almost never fight. We have more time together – intimate and otherwise. We are content, happy, and satisfied.

This does not mean that we are the sweetest couple in the neighborhood. In fact, I don’t often find ourselves in that lovey-dovey sweet moment we used to have when we were just boyfriend-girlfriend. We now rarely surprise each other with fancy gifts.

Today, when we woke up in the morning, we smiled at each other, said ‘Happy Anniversary’, and then exchanged a kiss. The whole day passed without anything out of the ordinary. In other words, it was just like our usual day. If this happened five years ago or even just three years ago, I would have been in a bad mood the whole day. However, today I felt content and secure. I realized that as our marriage grows in years, it needs the fancy stuff lesser and lesser.

Something as simple as waking up earlier than me in the morning to clean the house and cook breakfast surely beats dinner at any fancy restaurant. Never failing to kiss me lovingly, hug me tightly, or look at me adoringly, also beats getting expensive jewelry.

We still love holding hands, sometimes even if one of us has to carry our son as well but I’m happy that just four years after saying our ‘I dos’ we’ve moved beyond defining our relationship with special dates and expensive gifts. They’re still nice to have of course, but they’ve ceased to be something that our relationship needs. Now I realize that romance has so much deeper meaning between married couples.

]]> http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/12/romance-in-marriage/feed/ 0 http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/10/mourning-in-marriage/ http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/10/mourning-in-marriage/#comments Tue, 20 Oct 2009 02:33:00 +0000 andrea http://www.thisjointaccount.com/?p=61

http://www.flickr.com/photos/60693455@N00/296173016/

It is inevitable that a married couple would go through mourning at some time in their married life. It could be the death of a parent, a sibling, or any other relative. One of the most painful though, is the death of a child.

When a child of a married couple dies, the intensity of the grief could overwhelm each of them. Their primary source of support and comfort, which is each other, would likewise be dealing with his or her own grief. For this reason, many couples buckle down when they encounter a trial like this. For any married couple, the loss of a child will either make their marriage stronger or break it.

The main difficulty seems to be the difference between how a man and a woman grieve. Some men tend to keep their emotions to themselves and approach grieving by turning to something to keep their minds off their grief. Some women, on the other hand, get things off their shoulders by talking about it and just having someone to simply listen to them.

The difference in their approach sometimes leads them to turn away from each other. It is important to remember that although a husband and wife grieve differently over the loss of their child, it does not mean that one grieves more than the other. Both must remember that everyone has their own way of dealing with grief and that includes the two of them.

Also, whatever the circumstances of the death may be, blame shouldn’t hang over anyone’s head. Blaming each other or reminding each other about their shortcomings increases the probability of marriage death. Instead, don’t forget to constantly reassure one another of how good a parent they were and that they love each other no matter what. This is the best time to give lots of hugs to each other. Even if you cannot share your grief by talking to each other about it or by dealing with it the same way, a hug could always make both husband and wife feel better and would make them feel closer.

Accepting change is also part of grieving. Know that things will not be the same and that there will be changes in your life as a couple and as a family. Never expect things to be the same, whether in how you deal with each other and your outlook in your relationship and family life.

The loss of a child is one of those unspoken difficulties that couples take on when they said their ‘for better or for worse’. Despite everything, their commitment to each other should still stay on their minds.