So imagine our excitement when we realized that God is agreeing to the love affair. I was pampered and allowed to eat anything I want. We were expecting a commitment that will last for the rest of our lives. Imagine the pain and shock when we realized that it was ended abruptly, with no warning at all.

Yes, Ramil and I experienced one of the most painful things in our lives. We just lost our baby. She was merely 54 mm when her heart stopped beating but we know she was perfect. She had two handsome boys who would lovingly kiss her and caress her through my tummy every morning, night, and every other chance they get. She loved arroz caldo, goto, lugaw, and hot noodles. She wanted tasty bread that’s soft and white, longanisa that’s cut along the middle before it’s cooked. She gave me a hard time during those months but never was there a tinge of resentment for the difficulties she was bringing. We looked forward to feeling her move and to showing Mateo the crazy movements we were sure she was going to make. I looked forward to breastfeeding again, nuzzling her close to me, and smelling that delicious scent all babies have. We looked forward to many, many things.

My heart skipped when I saw her heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor when she was just 9 weeks. She was tiny but even the sonologist was very appreciative of her active and vigorous heart activity. So when we went for the routine checkup on her 12th week and the doctor couldn’t hear any heartbeat after more than 15 minutes of alternately using different dopplers, we blamed it on the noise Mateo was making, on the age of the doppler, the batteries, the hearing of our doctor, the post-Mateo fat around my tummy, and anything else we could think of. However, the worst possibility was lingering at the back of our minds. Ramil even jokingly said he’d smack her when she comes out for making us worry this much at this very early stage.

Naturally, our doctor requested an ultrasound and we hurriedly went for it the next day. When we got to the clinic, we had to try twice and despite not seeing any heartbeat the first time, we still held onto hope for the second try. The sonologist and the technician avoided looking directly at me, knowing what they already know. The sonologist just gave a ‘no heartbeat’ comment then left the ultrasound room. The technician tried to lighten it up by saying ‘relax lang, ma’am’. I hurriedly went out, refusing to answer Ramil’s questions, and walked straight towards the exit. When we got out and the glare of the sun hit me in the face, the dam broke.

I am currently three months pregnant. I don’t know if I’d still call myself pregnant because she’s still inside me. I didn’t experience any spotting, bleeding, cramping, or any other miscarriage symptom. Because of this, she’ll stay with us for a few more days or weeks, until I finally get those symptoms. Call it a funeral of some sort because it may be a short three months but she was our baby, she was Mateo’s baby sister, and we love her just the same.

Getting those two pink lines the second time around is definitely not the same as the first. This time, Ramil and I are mentally prepared for it because it was planned. Also, there’s a two-year-old jumping up and down with us although he doesn’t fully realize what the fuss was with the stick I was holding. Knowing what we know now, Ramil and I are less scared and less unsure.

Nevertheless, the decision to have a second child did not come as easy as we’d thought it would be. Although we both knew we wanted more than one child, we didn’t know when the perfect time is to follow it up with another one.

We’ve considered several things before finally deciding to go for it. It also helps to ask other people around us, especially those who’ve had several children already.

• Spacing. This is one of the primary things that we considered. Closer ages or farther apart? We didn’t want them too close because it’s going to be difficult taking care of two very small kids. However, we also didn’t want them spaced that far apart because we figured they’d find it easier to become friends if they are closer in age. We’ve set our personal choice: a minimum of two years so that Mateo will be getting out of the terrible years by the time the second child comes and a maximum of four years so that they’d still be in high school together.
• Finances. So far, the spacing we’ve agreed upon is also agreeable to our financial situation. We wanted the next one when Mateo is not using diapers anymore so that we won’t spend twice as much.
• Ready-ness of first child. Fortunately, Mateo is not the jealous type although we have yet to test his limits once the baby comes. Before deciding to go for another child though, we’ve carefully thought about how Mateo will take it. Also, as early as now, we involve him in the expectations that we have. We always look for opportunities to talk to him about what’s going to happen in the next few months and to expose him to smaller babies as well.

There, those three are our biggest considerations in having our second child. We have a very excited household right now and saying that everyone can’t wait for the new member is an understatement.