Still, it does not mean that you should avoid criticizing your partner. Sometimes criticisms that are given and taken constructively could actually improve your relationship. Below are some tips on how to handle criticisms in your marriage.

• Ask before you criticize. Let your partner know that you want to express something that will come as a criticism. This way, your spouse can choose not to hear it.
• Criticize with love. Never give criticisms as a way of attacking your partner. Say them in a way that will still acknowledge his good traits and characteristics. Make sure you give two or more compliments for every criticism that you give. If you are talking as if you are scolding your child then it is time to take a step back and change how you are communicating with your spouse. Talk in a loving way and never with anger.
• Criticize behavior and never character. Focus on specific things that your partner did that you think should be addressed. Instead of saying ‘You are rude’ say ‘I know you were tired but I did not like the way that you talked to me earlier’.
• Be specific. Cite specific examples and discuss how your spouse could have handled it.
• Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’. You will notice a big change in the tone of your conversations if you start your statements with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’. Starting everything with ‘you’ comes off as attacks or accusations.
• Skip the criticism. Before giving any criticism, ask yourself whether it will be of any use to you, your partner, and your relationship if you voice out your criticisms.

Many married men and women have their own mother-in-law stories to tell. Some even believe that no one really gets along with their mother-in-laws even if she is a perfectly nice person.

Still, Ramil and I are lucky that we both have in-laws that we get along with relatively well. However, some are not as lucky as the two of us. I know some people have really tumultuous relationships with their in-laws. If you are one of those people, below are some tips that could help you.

• Spend time with them. Try to spend more time with your in-laws instead of avoiding them. During your these times, consciously look for things to like about them instead of focusing on their things that you do not like.
• Calm yourself. Avoid working up yourself if you know you will be seeing your in-laws. Some people make the mistake of getting all worked up even before they get together with their in-laws.
• Agree to disagree. Even if you married their son or daughter, it does not mean that your views and principles will match. Keep in mind that you do not have to be right all the time and you need not share the same views and principles. You only have to respect them.

Yesterday, mateo climbed up the stairs of the Preschool building on his own, and not without the dramatics to emphasize the cruel separation. You see, if I remember correctly what andrea told me, mateo insisted on going up without accompaniment. In fact, he waited halfway of the steps up to see andrea off, before proceeding to his class – perhaps making sure that he wasn’t being followed. I know it seems too small an issue to dwell on, but mateo has never gone up to his class quietly before yesterday. Sometimes he would even insist that both of us go with him. And of all the skills that he has been evaluated in, that going up to class on his own is the only skill that has not been observed yet. What a way to prove everybody wrong. I guess it’s his own way of saying he’s ready… to grow up… and eventually to leave.

So first the first time after a long time, I carried him after class. When he requested for a karga, I didn’t hesitate to give him what he wanted. After all, it’s only a few more years till I won’t be able to carry him anymore, or till he refuses to be carried.

Last week, we went to her gynecologist to hear our third baby’s heartbeat through the doppler, something we failed to accomplish last time. I was really hesitant at first because it was during this time when our second baby’s heart stopped beating. But I realized that then, more than ever, andrea and I needed it each other to get through the whole ordeal (this doppler scan). Because, if the same unfortunate thing happens again, we would only have each other to lean for support.

Anyway, it was the longest clinic time we’ve ever had. Our gynecologist was due to go out of the country for almost a month so all her patients wanted to see her for a last checkup before she went. We arrived at the clinic a few minutes after six in the evening and waited until 11:30 for our turn. Yes, she had lots of patients and she was determined to finish seeing us all.

When it was andrea’s turn to lie on the table and have her tummy scanned with the doppler, I kept on praying. The 5 hour wait for her turn seemed nothing compared to the anticipation I felt during the next few minutes. I distinctly remembered feeling hopeful and happy when we had the same scan a few months back until the doctor told us that she couldn’t her the heartbeat. So I couldn’t wouldn’t allow myself to be hopeful now.

The moments seemed to pass and I tried to drown every sound in the room so that I could hear that familiar beat from the doppler – the train-like cadence I heard when mateo was still in her mommy’s tummy, the same beat I wanted to hear but never did with our second. A few more minutes went by until I finally heard a sound from the doppler. It was short at first. I thought I was only imagining it because I wanted so much to hear it. But the doctor seemed to mysteriously know where to bring the doppler to next because everytime I heard a faint beat, she would swing the device again. Until finally, the doppler stopped moving. Andrea and I could finally hear that train-like cadence. She (I’m hoping it’s a she) is alive and doing pretty well. The doctor told us that the baby was quite energetic and moving around a lot that’s why she had a hard time finding her. Everytime the  doctor heard a beat, the baby would move. I wasn’t imagining the sound after all. She heard it too.

I was so happy I wanted to cry. I almost did the moment we went out of the clinic. I just hugged andrea instead.

After that, we couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t stop hearing the cadence in my head. Apparently she couldn’t too, that’s why she bought a doppler a few days after. We are currently waiting for the thing to arrive after ordering it on ebay. Hahaha!

Today, Ramil and I celebrate four years of being husband and wife. Dare I say four years of wedded bliss? Most of the time, yes. Because honestly speaking, our four years as a wedded couple has been more peaceful and relaxed than our five years together before getting married. We almost never fight. We have more time together – intimate and otherwise. We are content, happy, and satisfied.

This does not mean that we are the sweetest couple in the neighborhood. In fact, I don’t often find ourselves in that lovey-dovey sweet moment we used to have when we were just boyfriend-girlfriend. We now rarely surprise each other with fancy gifts.

Today, when we woke up in the morning, we smiled at each other, said ‘Happy Anniversary’, and then exchanged a kiss. The whole day passed without anything out of the ordinary. In other words, it was just like our usual day. If this happened five years ago or even just three years ago, I would have been in a bad mood the whole day. However, today I felt content and secure. I realized that as our marriage grows in years, it needs the fancy stuff lesser and lesser.

Something as simple as waking up earlier than me in the morning to clean the house and cook breakfast surely beats dinner at any fancy restaurant. Never failing to kiss me lovingly, hug me tightly, or look at me adoringly, also beats getting expensive jewelry.

We still love holding hands, sometimes even if one of us has to carry our son as well but I’m happy that just four years after saying our ‘I dos’ we’ve moved beyond defining our relationship with special dates and expensive gifts. They’re still nice to have of course, but they’ve ceased to be something that our relationship needs. Now I realize that romance has so much deeper meaning between married couples.

]]> http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/12/romance-in-marriage/feed/ 0 http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/11/running-for-fitness/ http://www.thisjointaccount.com/2009/11/running-for-fitness/#comments Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:13:29 +0000 andrea http://www.thisjointaccount.com/?p=51

http://istockphoto.com

After my three months of pregnancy, I am itching to go back to my fitness goal. Before I got pregnant, I’ve been walking and running around our subdivision whenever I feel the need to work up a sweat.

However, the pregnancy put a halt to all my attempts to get fit because my doctor advised me to stop running and limit myself to brisk walking. Since the miscarriage made me feel depressed as well, I have decided to fight back by making myself feel better. I have thus made a goal of running my first five-kilometer race a month from now.

To immerse myself further in this new fitness goal, I’ve even started my very own running blog. I’ve also been reading up a lot on running as a sport and joining local online communities to keep myself updated. Just when I thought that running will be the easiest sport to learn, I feel a bit overwhelmed with the amount of information I’ve been getting.

Just when I also thought that running will be a relatively affordable sport, I get the chance to browse through expensive running shoes, sports apparel, and the Garmin fitness products. Running won’t be that cheap after all.

Nevertheless, I could always choose to just put on my old, worn, and trusty running shoes and run wherever my feet would take me. It’s an exhilarating feeling to run with all I’ve got, as if I could run from all the things that are troubling and stressful.

I’m looking forward to many runs in the next few days. The ultimate goal is to be able to run a full marathon although I won’t be setting a time limit on myself (running a 42-kilometer marathon seems impossible right now). Right now, my eyes are set on my first race.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/60693455@N00/296173016/

It is inevitable that a married couple would go through mourning at some time in their married life. It could be the death of a parent, a sibling, or any other relative. One of the most painful though, is the death of a child.

When a child of a married couple dies, the intensity of the grief could overwhelm each of them. Their primary source of support and comfort, which is each other, would likewise be dealing with his or her own grief. For this reason, many couples buckle down when they encounter a trial like this. For any married couple, the loss of a child will either make their marriage stronger or break it.

The main difficulty seems to be the difference between how a man and a woman grieve. Some men tend to keep their emotions to themselves and approach grieving by turning to something to keep their minds off their grief. Some women, on the other hand, get things off their shoulders by talking about it and just having someone to simply listen to them.

The difference in their approach sometimes leads them to turn away from each other. It is important to remember that although a husband and wife grieve differently over the loss of their child, it does not mean that one grieves more than the other. Both must remember that everyone has their own way of dealing with grief and that includes the two of them.

Also, whatever the circumstances of the death may be, blame shouldn’t hang over anyone’s head. Blaming each other or reminding each other about their shortcomings increases the probability of marriage death. Instead, don’t forget to constantly reassure one another of how good a parent they were and that they love each other no matter what. This is the best time to give lots of hugs to each other. Even if you cannot share your grief by talking to each other about it or by dealing with it the same way, a hug could always make both husband and wife feel better and would make them feel closer.

Accepting change is also part of grieving. Know that things will not be the same and that there will be changes in your life as a couple and as a family. Never expect things to be the same, whether in how you deal with each other and your outlook in your relationship and family life.

The loss of a child is one of those unspoken difficulties that couples take on when they said their ‘for better or for worse’. Despite everything, their commitment to each other should still stay on their minds.

So imagine our excitement when we realized that God is agreeing to the love affair. I was pampered and allowed to eat anything I want. We were expecting a commitment that will last for the rest of our lives. Imagine the pain and shock when we realized that it was ended abruptly, with no warning at all.

Yes, Ramil and I experienced one of the most painful things in our lives. We just lost our baby. She was merely 54 mm when her heart stopped beating but we know she was perfect. She had two handsome boys who would lovingly kiss her and caress her through my tummy every morning, night, and every other chance they get. She loved arroz caldo, goto, lugaw, and hot noodles. She wanted tasty bread that’s soft and white, longanisa that’s cut along the middle before it’s cooked. She gave me a hard time during those months but never was there a tinge of resentment for the difficulties she was bringing. We looked forward to feeling her move and to showing Mateo the crazy movements we were sure she was going to make. I looked forward to breastfeeding again, nuzzling her close to me, and smelling that delicious scent all babies have. We looked forward to many, many things.

My heart skipped when I saw her heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor when she was just 9 weeks. She was tiny but even the sonologist was very appreciative of her active and vigorous heart activity. So when we went for the routine checkup on her 12th week and the doctor couldn’t hear any heartbeat after more than 15 minutes of alternately using different dopplers, we blamed it on the noise Mateo was making, on the age of the doppler, the batteries, the hearing of our doctor, the post-Mateo fat around my tummy, and anything else we could think of. However, the worst possibility was lingering at the back of our minds. Ramil even jokingly said he’d smack her when she comes out for making us worry this much at this very early stage.

Naturally, our doctor requested an ultrasound and we hurriedly went for it the next day. When we got to the clinic, we had to try twice and despite not seeing any heartbeat the first time, we still held onto hope for the second try. The sonologist and the technician avoided looking directly at me, knowing what they already know. The sonologist just gave a ‘no heartbeat’ comment then left the ultrasound room. The technician tried to lighten it up by saying ‘relax lang, ma’am’. I hurriedly went out, refusing to answer Ramil’s questions, and walked straight towards the exit. When we got out and the glare of the sun hit me in the face, the dam broke.

I am currently three months pregnant. I don’t know if I’d still call myself pregnant because she’s still inside me. I didn’t experience any spotting, bleeding, cramping, or any other miscarriage symptom. Because of this, she’ll stay with us for a few more days or weeks, until I finally get those symptoms. Call it a funeral of some sort because it may be a short three months but she was our baby, she was Mateo’s baby sister, and we love her just the same.

Getting those two pink lines the second time around is definitely not the same as the first. This time, Ramil and I are mentally prepared for it because it was planned. Also, there’s a two-year-old jumping up and down with us although he doesn’t fully realize what the fuss was with the stick I was holding. Knowing what we know now, Ramil and I are less scared and less unsure.

Nevertheless, the decision to have a second child did not come as easy as we’d thought it would be. Although we both knew we wanted more than one child, we didn’t know when the perfect time is to follow it up with another one.

We’ve considered several things before finally deciding to go for it. It also helps to ask other people around us, especially those who’ve had several children already.

• Spacing. This is one of the primary things that we considered. Closer ages or farther apart? We didn’t want them too close because it’s going to be difficult taking care of two very small kids. However, we also didn’t want them spaced that far apart because we figured they’d find it easier to become friends if they are closer in age. We’ve set our personal choice: a minimum of two years so that Mateo will be getting out of the terrible years by the time the second child comes and a maximum of four years so that they’d still be in high school together.
• Finances. So far, the spacing we’ve agreed upon is also agreeable to our financial situation. We wanted the next one when Mateo is not using diapers anymore so that we won’t spend twice as much.
• Ready-ness of first child. Fortunately, Mateo is not the jealous type although we have yet to test his limits once the baby comes. Before deciding to go for another child though, we’ve carefully thought about how Mateo will take it. Also, as early as now, we involve him in the expectations that we have. We always look for opportunities to talk to him about what’s going to happen in the next few months and to expose him to smaller babies as well.

There, those three are our biggest considerations in having our second child. We have a very excited household right now and saying that everyone can’t wait for the new member is an understatement.

Mateo just turned two last January but we’re hoping to enroll him in the youngest class of the school where we teach. The class often consists of children from 2.5 to 3.5 years old and Mateo would barely make it to the minimum age. However, since it’s better than staying at home with a yaya we’re trying to condition him for school.

Hence, I’ve been researching on how to prepare a child starting school for the first time. Below are some of the fruits of my research:

• Even before school starts, talk to your child about school. Make it sound as exciting and fun as possible.
• If possible, bring your child for a visit before the first day of school to make him comfortable with the surroundings.
• Stay with your child during the first day to show him that there’s nothing to be afraid of in school.
• Talk to your child and explain that mommies are not allowed to stay in anticipation of leaving him in school.
• Leave and don’t be swayed by his cries. Hesitation on the parent’s part will encourage his behavior.
• Tell him that his teacher will take care of him and all his needs.
• Assure him that you will come back for him when school is over.
• Don’t be late in picking up your child!

I know that especially with Mateo’s young age, he’ll have a bit of difficulty adjusting to school. Still, I’m hoping that he adjusts as quickly as possible so that school will be enjoyable for him.